12:20 a.m. - One Final Heartbreak
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It's been a while. Life has had its ups and downs, but I am finally in a decent place. I am still in Oregon, which is longer than I thought I'd be here, but it's better than the alternative. My children are both growing and healthy and happy and super smart. They make me so happy, but they also wear me out. I start working next month. Where? I have no clue, but that's the deadline I've given myself. One more month to stay home with my kids. I will be sad to leave them in daycare when the time comes, but I am also looking forward to doing something besides be a mom. It seems that I have let motherhood completely define me, and I have lost parts of myself because of that. It's all about balance, so I think working again will be good for me. That doesn't mean I won't feel a certain amount of guilt where my kids are concerned. But I think moms always feel guilty about something, I am very sad right now because Iost an old friend today. I met him right after I graduated from college, back in 2003. Ben was in England for the summer, and I wasn't sure he was coming back, so this friend and I formed a strong bond and emotional connection over that summer. Once Ben returned and I decided to focus on my marriage, my friend couldn't handle it, as he had fallen in love with me. So he disappeared for a couple of years, then returned one day. Ever since then, we have had a casual friendship, talking briefly and meeting in person every two years. Until recently, when we became emotionally connected again. I let myself imagine too far down the line and actually felt happy about what I saw. And then all of a sudden, he was gone again. I don't know if it was because of the hurt of the past and the riskiness of emotions. I don't know if it's due to my relationship with Sean, which hasn't been on for a very long time, though I'm sure my friend, like everyone, might have believed that I'll eventually take him back. Whatever it was, I may never know, and it really hurts. It feels like I have had to say goodbye to too many people lately. Once one heartbreak fades, another one comes right back to take its place. Siiigh. Such is life, and such is the risk of feeling emotions. I guess he and I will always have that one wonderful summer, and perhaps it was worth all the hurt I feel now. I need to clear my head of men and refocus on my life. I learned a long time ago that men can never create your life for you; they can only complement your life. So you have to build a life for yourself that fits your goals, values, talents, and dreams, and then possibly find a man who will fit into that. I've never been so good at that. I always rush headfirst into relationships, flinging caution and my own life to the side. I get lost in my emotions, and it's difficult to concentrate on or give energy to anything else. It's not a good thing at all! I need go get to a place where I can always keep the focus on me, and now my children, and never lost sight of what it is right and important. Anyway, I have a training to go to tomorrow. Long story. But I have to drop the kids off at daycare for most of the day. My son has never been away from me for long periods of time, and he's used to tons of one on one attention. I know him, and I know that not being able to be held s lot will be devastating for him. It hurts to think about it. I wish I could afford a nanny for him, but I can't. However, it's a great daycare. The teachers are very nurtutring, and they have lots of fun activities for the kids to do. I know Lila will love it. She's super social. But it will be an adjustment for them. It's only for two days for now, though. Let's hope they end up liking it. Off to bed for me. Til next time..... Anne |