I am leaving my fiance and moving back to Oregon. We've been through some really rough times, and we've been on the edge and back for months. However, I've found out some pretty disturbing things that he has done, and they cannot be forgiven. So I am leaving.

I had this illusion that we would make our own little rag-tag family, that I'd get to be the stay-at-home mom. I truly thought we would get married. We talked about the other children we would have. We talked about moving back to New York once we saved up enough money. We had this whole life planned. Now it is gone.

He still wants it, but I cannot live with what he has done....and hasn't done. It's a long, painful story that I won't go into. The long and the short of it is that I have to move back to oregon now to be with my mom. Despite everything, I can't imagine working full-time and sending my baby off to childcare. Not at the very beginning of her life, at least. Even if I were to get a full-time job for next year, the reduced maternity leave salary wouldn't be enough to pay the bills in the Bay Area.

My mom has opended up her home to me. I know there are bound to be problems (space being a big one), but it is what is best for me and the baby right now. Plus, it will be good to have my mother around when I am going through the throes of "what the hell am I supposed to do?" first-time motherhood. She is someone I can completely count on to support me, and I know she will always have our (the baby's and mine) best interests at heart.

Leaving my home here makes me sad. I love California. I love the climate, the culture, and being close to my family. However, I did make quite a life for myself in Portland. It will be good to see the old places and haunts. It will be good to catch up with old friends. I will get to see my dogs and take them for walks all the time. Leaving one life behind will be a bit of a trauma, but hopefully coming back to Oregon will be a sort of homecoming.

I leave in a month. I am teaching summer school to a 5th grade class until the end of July. The pay is good, and I need to save up all the money I can right now. I'll need to bust my ass to look for a job when I get to oreogn, but I have my degree and my experience to fall back on. Something will open up. Others have been in the same place before me and have lived to tell the tale.

Ok, I'd better try to get some sleep tonight. More to come....

Anne